I love my parents, but not for the relationship we have today. I love them for the relationship we might have in the future.
I can’t love my parents for how they manipulate me with every possible mechanism they have. They hold me under their thumb with their money, helped along by the fact that there is no option on the FAFSA that says ‘yes, my parents have money, but I can’t accept it because they hate my transness’. They manipulate the fact that approval makes me feel better than any drug I’ve tried, although those are actually few in number. They manipulate me with my agreeableness, my job, my college, my food, my medications, and even my insurance.
But, for today, I love them for a Tony in the future. I have hope that some day, after I graduate college, I can move states away and calm down before extending an olive branch. Maybe then we can rebuild our relationship on equal grounds, and I’ll still have Christmases to go to, parents at my wedding, biological family to be happy for me when I finally reach the place where I want to be.
Maybe I’ll need some space for longer than a week after a move. Maybe it’s years and years from now, when we can talk and love freely like we did before I was anything over than straight, cisgender, Christian, perfect.
Or maybe we won’t. Maybe it will always be like this. Maybe it’ll only be my partner’s parents at the wedding.
Either way, I don’t love my parents for who they are and how our relationship is today; in fact, I despise them for it.
But I love them so that maybe they can love me in a far off tomorrow.
